By Mariam Hakim

On the surface, couples typically fight over money, kids, work and in-laws, but under it all is the failure to connect emotionally.

According to relationship expert, Dr John Gottman, each partner in a relationship has an “Emotional Bank Account” that needs to be filled to maintain positive emotional balance in the relationship. This is done by responding positively to your partner’s daily attempts (which Gottman refers to as “Bids of Connection”) to connect with you emotionally.

By Mariam Hakim

How happy and satisfied are you in your relationship? Thanks to studies by marriage expert John Gottman, we can now identify a few habits shared by those marriages that thrive. 

Happy couples recognise and respond to each other’s bids for attention

Little things count in relationships. On a daily basis, people make “bids” for their partner’s attention, affection and support, such as asking questions, sharing an idea or a thought, or smiling and touching each other. These things may seem unimportant or trivial, but they are attempts made by our partner to connect intimately and emotionally. If these bids are habitually ignored or overlooked, partners will eventually stop making them, which contributes to emotional loneliness and distance in the relationship.

By Mariam Hakim

Men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce, according to psychological researcher Dr John Gottman, who’s done extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability.

What is accepting your partner’s influence?

• Accepting, understanding, and taking your partner’s perspective, feelings and needs into consideration before making any decision in the relationship

• Listening to your partner and forging compromises so that both of you feel satisfied in the relationship

• Working towards a win-win outcome instead of one partner losing and the other partner winning

By Mariam Hakim

Couples often come into my office complaining about the lack of intimacy after many years of marriage. They talk about how their partner has changed from someone attentive and caring towards their feelings and needs to someone who behaves indifferently and selfishly at times.

These couples tell me how at the beginning of their relationship their partner was very courteous and polite to them, saying “please” and “thank you” often, dressing up and grooming for their dates, listening and having great conversations with them and going out of their way to please them. And nowadays they spend most of their time on their phone or computer, groom themselves only when they go out of the house, rarely ask for their partner’s opinion or input before making a decision, have nothing nice to say to their partner and instead criticise them when things do not go according to their expectations.

By Mariam Hakim

If you feel apprehensive about couples therapy, rest assured you are not alone. Many couples reserve going to therapy as a last resort. Even when they finally reach out to a therapist to save their marriage, they are often looking for quick fixes with the least effort and time involvement.

Repairing a troubled relationship needs a lot of effort and commitment from both of you. I always compare it to going to the gym: your personal trainer can only guide and help you reach your goals through her knowledge and expertise. But to get that healthy toned body, your full commitment, effort and dedication are of absolute necessity. Likewise, couples therapy, if approached correctly, has not only the potential to strengthen your bond and your relationship, but can also lead to each partner’s individual growth and personal development as well.

By Mariam Hakim

Because of our upbringing, many of us grew up conditioned to hide who we really are. Instead, we present ourselves in ways that we believe will gain us more acceptance, admiration and validation. Does this describe you?

By Mariam Hakim

Depression is an isolating experience that can leave both partners feeling lost and afraid as it can seem very hard to understand for a person who has not experienced it.

By Mariam Hakim

Prolonged and accumulated exposure to stress from work, family and social obligations can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout. Recognising the signs of emotional burnout is the first step towards taking better care of yourself.

We all go through stressful episodes and times in our life from which we mostly bounce back and easily manage to restore our emotional agility. But when stress and emotional drainage are continuous and catch us during a rough period in our life, without proper caretaking, it can have a huge negative impact on both our mental and physical health. Also, emotional exhaustion differs from one person to another — what causes stress for one person does not necessarily have the same effect on another.

By Mariam Hakim

Manipulating someone into doubting their sanity is sadly quite prevalent in relationships. This type of emotional abuse is called gaslighting.

In the 1940s movie, Gaslight, a husband manipulates his wife to give up her fortune to his benefit by slowly making her believe she is insane. He takes pictures down from the walls of their home and asks her who put them down. He gifts her jewellery, then hides it and asks why she lost it. He makes noise in the attic and dims the gaslights in the house, leading her to doubt her sanity and her reality.

By Mariam Hakim

We are more familiar with the ‘overt narcissist’ who’s loud and demands attention and admiration openly and directly. ‘Covert narcissists’ have the same traits but are difficult to spot because they pretend to be loving, giving, altruistic and kind but are in fact deeply selfish and narcissistic. In other words, they are wolves in sheep clothing.